Photography

Trying to be a photographer is really kicking my butt as I am called on to put myself out there to try and capture images for other people. I know I have bitched and complained about this in the past but for me, it is difficult to take the photo and then have others judge its worth. I said it before and I will say it again, I am not a professional so when I am in these situations, a little of the joy, no, a lot of the joy is taken away from me and replaced with anxiety, but through it all, I get a little satisfaction when I capture something wonderful. I am planning on taking some classes so I can learn how to better use my camera. I know that I love going out into my world and just trying to capture the magic and it is usually a spontaneous happening, I see something wonderful and I snap, that is how I love to do it. I also seem to take photos of nature, rocks, bridges, places and things, not many people, people are much more complex and it requires more skill on my part. I am truly out of my comfort zone and I know growth will be the end result.

Feelings of Failure

I was given a chance to do something new, exciting and nerve racking and that was to come as an "honored" guest photographer for a dance benefit and in my eyes, I failed the task. The minute I walked into the badly lit theatre, I knew I was in trouble. I took a few test shots from different locations and I was unable to get anything of significance. I am a dancer so, I love watching dance but this was absolutely the worst time I have ever had watching a dance performance and by the time the show ended, I had aged 20 years. I am laughing now but that night, I felt so defeated. Don't get me wrong, I loved the dances but with every click a feeling of despair hang over my head, some how I knew I wasn't living up to my expectations. I wanted to blame it on the recently purchased camera but no, I think it was just my skill level, and my son who is a photographer and has done many photo shoots tried to make me feel better by telling me that this was a great thing and that it would help me to grow, but, I was inconsolable until I found an email that explained to the company director that the lighting would be a problem but I would come and try to capture something. In the end, the dancers were very appreciative of the photos and I thanked them and tried to move forward. You see, I am out of practice when it comes to failure and that is because I am not taking any chances, which is not a good thing. In order to stay in the game called life, I need to continue to put myself out there to learn new things, move out of my comfort zone, be daring, embrace new challenges and learn from my not so successful ventures. By doing this, I will always be a winner.

Trying to Capture My Flow on Film

These days, when I leave home, I always have my camera with me. Most of the time I have my little digital in my purse and my 35mm film camera around my neck. I have enjoyed taking photos since I was sixteen but lately if I leave my 35mm, I feel like an appendage is missing, it has become part of me, an extension of me, a third eye hanging from my body. This strong attachment has occurred over the last two years or, ever since I joined facebook. I wanted to show people who I am so I started taking my cameras everywhere to try and capture what I think is a magical life, on film and digital. In trying to capture my life, my flow, I have really grown to love this medium of expression. I am always looking for pictures that explain the magical world that I live in. Recently I spent time sitting on a beach that was composed of sea glass, and I wanted let people on my page see what I saw although nothing beats seeing it with your naked eye. In the beginning I used my camera and video to show the magical space I call home and then I moved out and about to show my bay area playground and how it is possible to have fun doing the simple things in life. I am really starting to fancy myself as a photographer and people have suggested that I take some classes, I thought about it and decided against it. I am not interested in being trained to see the world through some teacher's eyes. I want the compositions to be my own and not that of the teacher. People say that you should learn the rules and techniques and then you can stray from them and do your own thing but for me that doesn't make sense, I am having fun doing what I am doing and being graded or critiqued in a classroom will probably not bring me much joy. So, I will continue to try and capture my world and my joy on film on my own.